Some things just make me laugh usually the stupid or sublimely stupid with planning. This piece I had sent to me is one of those as these thought have crossed my mind at times and occaisionally I have done little antics in Supermarkets to amuse myself.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband orBoyfriend along shopping . This letter was (apparently) recently sentby an unnamed supermarket' s Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the LoyaltyCard, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning youand your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops hisantics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified byour surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them inpeople's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading tofeminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialtone, "Code 3" in housewares.. ... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department andtold shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and aCalor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as amirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in thehousewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where theantidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly hummingthe "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonnalook" Using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voicesagain."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Store Manager
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Friday, July 07, 2006
Nationl legend's life and times
The Penguin Hunter Diaries
Australia's National Architect's life began in the Azores in Horta on the island of Fayal when he was born on the 19th of October, 1833. His father, Admiral General Adam Durnford Gordon served in the West Indies where single handed he defeated the dreaded Oonga Boonga tribe's Emporer Walli Bunta before taking up a commission in the Bengal Cavalry sponsored by the East Indies Company. He played on the half forward flank for the Bengals and kicked 5 goals in the premiership match of 1837 many reckon he should have got the best player award that day but it went to Paddy O'Flahrety. Which is why young Lindsay Gordon became a racist and took up horses instead of football.
Durnford Gordon had the daredevil streak that his son exhibited throughout his life, once streaking at Lords during the tea break. Besides his physical talent and combative prowess Durnford was also a talented linguist, sketcher and poet so he took up engineering after finishing his footy career but never managed to achieve his dream of building a bridge because they had all been done. So he became a bridge plagiarist and would cast dedication plaques with his name as the designer and engineer and went around attaching them to bridges all over England. Lindsay's mother, Harriet, was the only child of Robert Gordon the former Governor of Berbice and Demerara in the West Indies and is the first recorded case of in-vitero fertilization. His mother never settled and her life became one of travelling between the capital cities of Europe because they kept changing all the time and she was awfully confused by this and is noted for having a melancholic disposition and prone to outbursts of temper. Probably caused because she got no frequent flyer points with all the travelling even though the airplane was not invented at this time it was not really fair. Which makes me wonder where this idea came from as there were no frequent coach points available at this time either? Once she had an outburst and shot Arch-Duke Ferdinand to feel better and started WW I, but that's another story. These inherited traits of his parents were reflected in Lindsay's exploits and deeds in England that resulted in him being sent to America to find his way home but he forgot to take the blindfold off during the trip and missed his connecting ship ending up lost in Australia.
Gordon arrived in Adelaide on the 14th of November 1853, with letters of introduction to influential members of society he soon joined the SA Mounted Police as a trooper and made his first mention in the local papers of the time when he joined in the quelling of, 'an ugly political riot in Hindley Street and riding at the back of the troop was a young man in hunting pink and breeches' before even being issued a uniform. Ever since then the pinks have been worn by SA police when incognito. But Halloween really pisses them off because every body runs around in pinks and they all get confused and Arch-Duke Ferdinand has already been shot so they have speed cameras to raise money to build a time machine so they can go back and shoot him to feel better.
On the 8th of June 1854 Adam Lindsay Gordon invented Penicillin but no matter how much he or his friends drank it never got them drunk but did clear up all their rashes and so he forgot about it and instead they all concentrated on throwing mouldy cheese at the door to door encyclopedia sales men. A copy of his bust in Poets Corner at Westminster Abbey has been recast in bronze and was installed By the Dean of Westminster Abbey in October 2005 but critics have said that as far as busts go it is pretty ugly. It was noted that all Gordon took with him to Penola beside his clothing and nescessities was a copy of Readers Digest abridged version ofMcauley's, Ancient Lays of Rome, which he soon memorised and is an obvious influence in the wording of his poems because so many words are missing from the poems that soon began to come from his pencil while living in the region that is the poetic heartland and soul of Gordon. As a Mounted Trooper in Penola he only made five arrests and his friends went halves in the reward money until it was figured out that they were doing the crimes and getting caught for the reward money and got told off. Gordon soon established a reputation as a 'good man with his fists' and this made him uwelcome in the local china and glassware shops. It was here that he also began to establish his reputation as a very good jockey, horse breaker and trainer. Why no-one knows because racism is still a confusing sport but why complain when we get a public holiday for it. In the last letter he wrote to Charley Walker from Penola in October 1855 he said, ' his bay horse Walker had added fresh laurels to his fame and would astonish the natives yet, tho' some of them little expect it. He hadn't fought much lately except when in a damned bad humour he had taken the local blacksmith clean off his legs twice without even having to use his left hand.' But it is easy to tip a legless man out of a wheelchair when he is busy painting the Smith's black. The Smith's have now gone on to get landrights but Gordon has kept the landlefts. Not far from Penola is Mt Gambier wher the dormant volcano the Bue Lake is the site of his "famous leap" to prove that he was the best horse man around to his peers. Walker went on to be disqualified for running when leading during the 2000 Olympics.
Robe, was the second major Port in SA at the time with the export of yellow things with hinges, wooden seashells and Emu's, was also the disembarkation point for thousands of chinese avoiding the Poll Tax for landing in Victoria so landed in Sth Australia and made their way overland to the Goldfields at Ballarat. Which is a long way to go for a job but ever since the Wall was finished in China a lot of laborers needed jobs. Their Wall is still better looking but ours keeps the rabbits out better if only we could figure out which side they are meant to be on. He rode many winners at the Robe Race Course and it was while recuperating from a broken arm at the Caledonian Inn here that he met his future wife Maggie Park. Who went on to build the home of Collingwood Football Club but Gordon said that she was a crap engineer because there was no bridge. While horse breaking remounts for the Indian Army among his clients, after leaving the Mounted Police, was Edward Stockdale at Lake Hawdon West (later Richmond Park, which became the name of the Bengals his dad's old footy team when they relocated to Australia from the Azores proving that history is cyclical just like a donut) near Robe in 1857 he befriended the remarkable man who was to stimulate his latent interest in literature and poetry. Julian Edmund Tenison Woods was a Catholic priest and scientist and also associate of Mother Mary MacKillop who is considered to be announced as Australia's first Saint in coming years. Although many Carlton supporters are convinced that Alex Jezalenko is going to make a surprising leap and grab the Sainthood.
Lindsay was elected to Parliament in SA on March the 16th in 1865 which was pointless but hell he had been lost for quite a while and he thought that with a bit of luck as a pollie he may get to meet some visiting royalty and shoot one to feel better. Compared to the life of a horsebreaker and jockey politcal life gave him the relative leisure to become a 'gentleman' but he really wanted to be a 'lady' and write his own sketch comedy show and call it 'Little Britain' but the computer said no. With his pursuits of steeplechase racing and literary involvement quite often his dress would get tangled up in the stirrups or drape in the inkwell and get stained. He decided that his dad's streaking had a point and so began a nudist colony which until the 1970's still celebrated Gordon's wisdom at cricket matches around the world. A conscientious but ineffective politician his rambling speeches baffled his more pragmatic colleagues with scattered phrases of Latin and archaic literary prose among them but not half as much as it baffled him, as he was English not Latin but took up his discovery of interest and ability in Archaic and refined it to Architecture where he reached his pinacle of fame.
Moving to Victoria after resigning from parliament brought Gordon into his element and he concentrated on his Archaic. Designing the West Gate Bridge, Myer Music Bowl and Ayers Rock which has had a name change after it was found to be a Landright and not a Landleft and the Smiths used it to win the National Scrabble Championships as Ulluru.
Australia's National Architect's life began in the Azores in Horta on the island of Fayal when he was born on the 19th of October, 1833. His father, Admiral General Adam Durnford Gordon served in the West Indies where single handed he defeated the dreaded Oonga Boonga tribe's Emporer Walli Bunta before taking up a commission in the Bengal Cavalry sponsored by the East Indies Company. He played on the half forward flank for the Bengals and kicked 5 goals in the premiership match of 1837 many reckon he should have got the best player award that day but it went to Paddy O'Flahrety. Which is why young Lindsay Gordon became a racist and took up horses instead of football.
Durnford Gordon had the daredevil streak that his son exhibited throughout his life, once streaking at Lords during the tea break. Besides his physical talent and combative prowess Durnford was also a talented linguist, sketcher and poet so he took up engineering after finishing his footy career but never managed to achieve his dream of building a bridge because they had all been done. So he became a bridge plagiarist and would cast dedication plaques with his name as the designer and engineer and went around attaching them to bridges all over England. Lindsay's mother, Harriet, was the only child of Robert Gordon the former Governor of Berbice and Demerara in the West Indies and is the first recorded case of in-vitero fertilization. His mother never settled and her life became one of travelling between the capital cities of Europe because they kept changing all the time and she was awfully confused by this and is noted for having a melancholic disposition and prone to outbursts of temper. Probably caused because she got no frequent flyer points with all the travelling even though the airplane was not invented at this time it was not really fair. Which makes me wonder where this idea came from as there were no frequent coach points available at this time either? Once she had an outburst and shot Arch-Duke Ferdinand to feel better and started WW I, but that's another story. These inherited traits of his parents were reflected in Lindsay's exploits and deeds in England that resulted in him being sent to America to find his way home but he forgot to take the blindfold off during the trip and missed his connecting ship ending up lost in Australia.
Gordon arrived in Adelaide on the 14th of November 1853, with letters of introduction to influential members of society he soon joined the SA Mounted Police as a trooper and made his first mention in the local papers of the time when he joined in the quelling of, 'an ugly political riot in Hindley Street and riding at the back of the troop was a young man in hunting pink and breeches' before even being issued a uniform. Ever since then the pinks have been worn by SA police when incognito. But Halloween really pisses them off because every body runs around in pinks and they all get confused and Arch-Duke Ferdinand has already been shot so they have speed cameras to raise money to build a time machine so they can go back and shoot him to feel better.
On the 8th of June 1854 Adam Lindsay Gordon invented Penicillin but no matter how much he or his friends drank it never got them drunk but did clear up all their rashes and so he forgot about it and instead they all concentrated on throwing mouldy cheese at the door to door encyclopedia sales men. A copy of his bust in Poets Corner at Westminster Abbey has been recast in bronze and was installed By the Dean of Westminster Abbey in October 2005 but critics have said that as far as busts go it is pretty ugly. It was noted that all Gordon took with him to Penola beside his clothing and nescessities was a copy of Readers Digest abridged version ofMcauley's, Ancient Lays of Rome, which he soon memorised and is an obvious influence in the wording of his poems because so many words are missing from the poems that soon began to come from his pencil while living in the region that is the poetic heartland and soul of Gordon. As a Mounted Trooper in Penola he only made five arrests and his friends went halves in the reward money until it was figured out that they were doing the crimes and getting caught for the reward money and got told off. Gordon soon established a reputation as a 'good man with his fists' and this made him uwelcome in the local china and glassware shops. It was here that he also began to establish his reputation as a very good jockey, horse breaker and trainer. Why no-one knows because racism is still a confusing sport but why complain when we get a public holiday for it. In the last letter he wrote to Charley Walker from Penola in October 1855 he said, ' his bay horse Walker had added fresh laurels to his fame and would astonish the natives yet, tho' some of them little expect it. He hadn't fought much lately except when in a damned bad humour he had taken the local blacksmith clean off his legs twice without even having to use his left hand.' But it is easy to tip a legless man out of a wheelchair when he is busy painting the Smith's black. The Smith's have now gone on to get landrights but Gordon has kept the landlefts. Not far from Penola is Mt Gambier wher the dormant volcano the Bue Lake is the site of his "famous leap" to prove that he was the best horse man around to his peers. Walker went on to be disqualified for running when leading during the 2000 Olympics.
Robe, was the second major Port in SA at the time with the export of yellow things with hinges, wooden seashells and Emu's, was also the disembarkation point for thousands of chinese avoiding the Poll Tax for landing in Victoria so landed in Sth Australia and made their way overland to the Goldfields at Ballarat. Which is a long way to go for a job but ever since the Wall was finished in China a lot of laborers needed jobs. Their Wall is still better looking but ours keeps the rabbits out better if only we could figure out which side they are meant to be on. He rode many winners at the Robe Race Course and it was while recuperating from a broken arm at the Caledonian Inn here that he met his future wife Maggie Park. Who went on to build the home of Collingwood Football Club but Gordon said that she was a crap engineer because there was no bridge. While horse breaking remounts for the Indian Army among his clients, after leaving the Mounted Police, was Edward Stockdale at Lake Hawdon West (later Richmond Park, which became the name of the Bengals his dad's old footy team when they relocated to Australia from the Azores proving that history is cyclical just like a donut) near Robe in 1857 he befriended the remarkable man who was to stimulate his latent interest in literature and poetry. Julian Edmund Tenison Woods was a Catholic priest and scientist and also associate of Mother Mary MacKillop who is considered to be announced as Australia's first Saint in coming years. Although many Carlton supporters are convinced that Alex Jezalenko is going to make a surprising leap and grab the Sainthood.
Lindsay was elected to Parliament in SA on March the 16th in 1865 which was pointless but hell he had been lost for quite a while and he thought that with a bit of luck as a pollie he may get to meet some visiting royalty and shoot one to feel better. Compared to the life of a horsebreaker and jockey politcal life gave him the relative leisure to become a 'gentleman' but he really wanted to be a 'lady' and write his own sketch comedy show and call it 'Little Britain' but the computer said no. With his pursuits of steeplechase racing and literary involvement quite often his dress would get tangled up in the stirrups or drape in the inkwell and get stained. He decided that his dad's streaking had a point and so began a nudist colony which until the 1970's still celebrated Gordon's wisdom at cricket matches around the world. A conscientious but ineffective politician his rambling speeches baffled his more pragmatic colleagues with scattered phrases of Latin and archaic literary prose among them but not half as much as it baffled him, as he was English not Latin but took up his discovery of interest and ability in Archaic and refined it to Architecture where he reached his pinacle of fame.
Moving to Victoria after resigning from parliament brought Gordon into his element and he concentrated on his Archaic. Designing the West Gate Bridge, Myer Music Bowl and Ayers Rock which has had a name change after it was found to be a Landright and not a Landleft and the Smiths used it to win the National Scrabble Championships as Ulluru.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
The Penguin Hunter Diaries
The Penguin Hunter Diaries
Finally back home after touring through Victoria performing "the Ballad of Adam Lindsay Gordon". It is kinda odd that for someone like me who gets bored so quickly that having performed this show since 2002 it still is so exciting. The people and places I go is what makes it so much fun. And by being in the 'Gordon' frame of mind I think this makes it all the more worthwhile seeing it as he saw this new world that became Australia when he arrived. Moments that resound in my memory are hearing a chorus of kelpies barking and yapping during my performance at the Casterton Kelpie Festival which proved why WC Field said, 'never work with animals or children'. And performing between an emeritus professor from Melbourne University and an academic Dr. of something who had written a book about Gordon at the Froth and Bubble Festival in Champions Racing Hall of Fame in Federation Square, Melbourne. Damned if I know what is so much fun about the unexpected but I love it. Hell there was even a lectern! I had heard about these things and I think this was a real flash one, made of perspex and with two mic's attached Iw wish I had the time to see if they were able to be used as antenna and tune into the space Station. Instead I had to talk and perform about Gordon and that was probably the right choice as that was why I was there. Besides I didn't know whose turn it was on the roster at the space station and if the russians are there I would not have understood a word of what they said.
Finally back home after touring through Victoria performing "the Ballad of Adam Lindsay Gordon". It is kinda odd that for someone like me who gets bored so quickly that having performed this show since 2002 it still is so exciting. The people and places I go is what makes it so much fun. And by being in the 'Gordon' frame of mind I think this makes it all the more worthwhile seeing it as he saw this new world that became Australia when he arrived. Moments that resound in my memory are hearing a chorus of kelpies barking and yapping during my performance at the Casterton Kelpie Festival which proved why WC Field said, 'never work with animals or children'. And performing between an emeritus professor from Melbourne University and an academic Dr. of something who had written a book about Gordon at the Froth and Bubble Festival in Champions Racing Hall of Fame in Federation Square, Melbourne. Damned if I know what is so much fun about the unexpected but I love it. Hell there was even a lectern! I had heard about these things and I think this was a real flash one, made of perspex and with two mic's attached Iw wish I had the time to see if they were able to be used as antenna and tune into the space Station. Instead I had to talk and perform about Gordon and that was probably the right choice as that was why I was there. Besides I didn't know whose turn it was on the roster at the space station and if the russians are there I would not have understood a word of what they said.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Footyheads hit hate wall
The Penguin Hunter Diaries
So calling a footy player a richard cranium is not appreciated as funny. And the talkback radio heads were surprised that many people did not believe that the player who punched the abuser on the nose was wrong. Steven Trigg has put an about face on his previous comments of wanting AFC supporters to hate the PAFC AFL team on the Crows website. One talk back caller mentioned that Mr Trigg had a case to answer in the event and he has spoken out as well. No he does not endorse hate and nor does the club.
This is where the 'Little Old Adelaide' misnomer is refuted. The world game as we are all getting a fill of now had huge problems with this ingrained hate for years and came down on it like a ton of bricks. But the footy world is still hampered by state perceptions of the game which is national. This is no longer a suburban game with good natured rivalry it is a major interest of people around the nation who are totally unknowing of the opposition CLUB supporters. It is not a state identity game it is a national club competition and by trying to develop suburban hate as a marketing tool it has been great to hear and see that many people are aware of how out of touch with reality this is. But will our media heads who perpetuate this with their unfunny irrelevant banter in SA act upon this?
So calling a footy player a richard cranium is not appreciated as funny. And the talkback radio heads were surprised that many people did not believe that the player who punched the abuser on the nose was wrong. Steven Trigg has put an about face on his previous comments of wanting AFC supporters to hate the PAFC AFL team on the Crows website. One talk back caller mentioned that Mr Trigg had a case to answer in the event and he has spoken out as well. No he does not endorse hate and nor does the club.
This is where the 'Little Old Adelaide' misnomer is refuted. The world game as we are all getting a fill of now had huge problems with this ingrained hate for years and came down on it like a ton of bricks. But the footy world is still hampered by state perceptions of the game which is national. This is no longer a suburban game with good natured rivalry it is a major interest of people around the nation who are totally unknowing of the opposition CLUB supporters. It is not a state identity game it is a national club competition and by trying to develop suburban hate as a marketing tool it has been great to hear and see that many people are aware of how out of touch with reality this is. But will our media heads who perpetuate this with their unfunny irrelevant banter in SA act upon this?
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