Rupert Murdoch the early years...

Apologies are not my forte yet in this case I am really sorry as generally speaking my nation has never done anything particularly bad to anyone Else's country. Our major daily newspaper in South Australia is the first that this fella Rupert Murdock owned so we have been suffering for a long time and if the rest of the world will forgive us here in Australia as there is only 20 million of us so we exported him! First to England because that is a good place to return the favour after all, the Poms started it all by transporting all their convicts to Oz 200 years ago and we wanted to get back at them. How the heck were we to know that Rupert would bloody well prosper in England.
Cunning as a Fox the wily Rupert, he is responsible for many travesties, the Titanic, invading Iraq and the Simpson's. Hang-on the Simpson's are a good thing so one out of three is not too bad. That Titanic, damn me how many times does that ship have to sink!? And what about the Iceberg has anyone ever considered the ecological damage the ship did to that innocent piece of ice which was happily floating along minding it's own business as icebergs do when WHAM!!! a great speeding steel liner slams into it!. Thousands of homeless penguins, walruses and seals bruised and battered by the impact and was there a massive fundraiser for them, an out pouring of sympathy and grief for the injured and maimed? NO!! Poor bloody seals unless they are cute, fluffy white ones that make good hats and coats no-one gives a damn. That bloody Rupert Murdoch has a lot to answer for.

Thankyou for your time and attention, Geoff

Cat Hunting season begins...

It's CAT season....
Cats, there are two types of cats Big Cats and Little Cats. Basically they do nothing except eat, lie around, breed, eat some more, lie around some more and breed some more. Fine, if you are a cat.

Cats do nothing worthwhile in return for humans, ever heard of a cat making a scientific break through? Saving a life? Wouldn't matter if you did anyway because what one cat does is irrelevant to what cats do in general.

What do cats eat? Meat, and when the little pet cats are feeding, they still eat meat which they go and hunt! Although it is usually served up by the cat's trained human. Now Big Cats eat meat too and what are people made up of? Meat and crunchy bits, as far as Big Cats are concerned people are just food not in a can and given a chance, even to little cats we are lunch.

In no way should cats be confused with the vernacular for vagina, 'Pussy' which probably comes from the same perspective in naming. "Pussy's" eat meat too just with less teeth.

So to save myself and others from becoming lunch it is Geoff's Cat Hunting Season.

The Cats are running scared so early in the campaign. The first sign of the typical Cat cowardice is the speed at which they run away and cower in guilt. Or perhaps it is just hunger pangs and they are waiting for dinner.

Now they know how all those poor little birdies feel when being batted about by Cats playing with their food. And seeing how well pet Cats get fed there is no need to even pick on the poor defenceless little cutie birdies.

Thank you for your time and attention, Geoff

WORLD CHAMPION PUMPKIN GROWER, yes I am!!!

As the self declared World Champion pumpkin grower, after washing my hands from toiling in the best pumpkin patch in the world it would be remiss of me not to pen an acceptance speech.

Big credit goes to ME for finally realising that the funny looking plants that were sprouting among my Mint were not mint which is probably why when I used them in cooking, the food did not taste 'minty' at all. Hey herbs have lots of funny looking leaves and I checked them by seeing if they smelt like mint, and they did. Admittedly sprouting among a patch of mint there was not much chance of them not.

Anyways being the inquisitive type and seeing how I did not get ill or grow hairs out my ears after eating them as failed flavouring condiments. I decided to plant them and see what happened. I am the now proud horticultural GOD OF PUMPKIN. No... please, stand erect, the genuflecting is accepted but let my false modesty reign for a little while.... That's long enough back to genuflecting now.

Not one to rest on my omnipotent laurels as GOD OF PUMPKIN the everlasting SPRITE OF CHERRY TOMATO's will now be added to my deity status. Yes, next to the sacred Pumpkin Patch is the Grove of Tomato. with so many cherry red fruits ripening that it is quite possibly going to resolve world hunger. If I was predisposed to sharing them instead of strutting around alternating Gardening Hats and rearranging hoes and rakes and stuff so it looks busy.

It is true, I have not stopped there either, embarking on creating the Compost Heap of Ascension so when the season is past the World Champion Pumpkin and Tomato plants will go there to become the base for next season.

Yes dear readers, I have created a pile of fertile crap from being dazed and confused by MINT. Which proves that crap can come from the most unexpected quarters if you look hard enough for it.

Be happy and have a great day, Get up now, genuflection can cause carpet burn and I am a kind GOD of PUMPKIN.

Thank you for your time and attention, Geoff

How to shop and save your male sanity at the same time!

Some things just make me laugh usually the stupid or sublimely stupid with planning. This piece I had sent to me is one of those as these thought have crossed my mind at times and occaisionally I have done little antics in Supermarkets to amuse myself.
Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband orBoyfriend along shopping . This letter was (apparently) recently sentby an unnamed supermarket' s Head Office to a customer in Oxford:
Dear Mrs. Murray,
While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the LoyaltyCard, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning youand your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops hisantics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified byour surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them inpeople's trolleys when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading tofeminine products aisle.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an officialtone, "Code 3" in housewares.. ... And watched what happened.
5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department andtold shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and aCalor gas stove.
7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as amirror, picked his nose, and ate it.
9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in thehousewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where theantidepressants were.
10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly hummingthe "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practiced the "Madonnalook" Using different size funnels.
12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,assumed the fetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voicesagain."
And; last, but not least:
14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Yours sincerely,
Store Manager